I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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