Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
