The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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