the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
