What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
