if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
