After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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