have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
