the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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