I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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