i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
