Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
