can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
