I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
