Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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