Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
