I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize