I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize