my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
