what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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