I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
