I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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