my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
