There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize