so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
