I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't deserve a penis
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
