How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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