Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
