Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
