i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize