Swine flu. Run for my life!
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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