Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
