Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
