i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
