Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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