In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
