Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
