I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
