Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
