do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He shit in the fireplace
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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