dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
