i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
