I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
