I'm drive I can fine osifer
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
