i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize