Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize