somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
