ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We just shotgunned beers for America
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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