Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize