update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
