well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
