chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
