Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
