Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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