I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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