dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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