She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
