you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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