You smell like stripper and shame
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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