I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I DEMAND FORESKIN
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
