it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
